The Life Lessons Of Jacob Black
by cnjf
Summary: Jacob Black learns some very important life lessons. And dies a lot. Not for Jacob lovers. Jacob hater approved. Updates are sporadic, as I only write when I'm incredibly bored and in a sadistic mood.
1. Helicopter Goes Soi Soi

**A/N: New story, whoot. I wrote this chapter, but Andrew1993 helped me come up with it. Next chapter was written by him. **

**Helicopter Goes Soi Soi**:

In which Jacob learns that the ROFL copter isn't so funny.

Jacob Black was ready to conquer his fears.

Ever since he was a little boy, he'd feared helicopters. His father took him on a helicopter ride for his birthday, and he was terrified. He screamed. He cried. He made the piolet end the flight twenty minutes early. The piolet was not impressed.

Needless to say, neither was Billy, who'd paid good money for Jacob to fly in a helicopter for ten minutes.

His father thought he had aerophobia. But that was not the case. Jacob had no problem with flying. Airplanes didn't scare him. Parasailing didn't scare him. Heck, he even went _skydiving_, and that didn't scare him!

But he screamed in terror when he got a model helicopter for his eleventh birthday. His friends never let that one go.

So when his boss asked him to help flag the emergency helicopters landing at the hospital, Jacob swallowed his fears like the macho man he was, and smiled and agreed to step up to the challenge - facing his biggest fear.

Jacob spent several hours getting ready for the big day. He meditated, to find his inner, fearless self. He lifted weights, trying to toughen himself up. He dressed in a white muscle shirt, the one that best showed off his muscles. He had to look tough - show that helicopter who was boss. He was the boss. He was the _man_.

The man sat down to a breakfast of Cheerios, then packed a peanut butter sandwich and juice pack in his Dracula lunchbox, then hopped in his Volkswagen Rabbit and drove off to work.

Embry and Quil greeted him at the hospital, already donning florescent orange vests over their clothes. His boss, Sam, arrived, and handed him his. He put it on, pouting because his super sexy shirt would go unseen. They made their way to the roof, where they found a giant letter H inside a circle. Jacob wondered to himself what the H stood for. They all hung around chatting, while Jacob tried to figure out the mysterious H. Why would their be an H where a helicopter was supposed to land?

"Alright, boys," Sam called, "Helicopter landing in four and a half minutes. Embry, Quil, go turn on the blinkers,"

"It's the middle of the day, why would we need blinkers?" Embry asked. Sam sighed.

"Just do it," he told them, "Jacob, Jared, Paul, grab those and flag the helicopter down. Remember to watch for my signal, so you'll know when it's all clear." Jacob gulped, a sheen of sweat covering his face. In roughly four minutes, he would be face to face with a helicopter. Should he panic? Should he run? Should he jump over the side of the building and hope he landed on something soft?

No. He was the _man_. He was going to face this helicopter and show that he wasn't afraid. He was going to laugh in it's face.

He grabbed his flags and took his place, flexing his muscles. _Bring it, ROFL copter_, he thought to himself.

He saw the helicopter approaching, and felt his hands beginning to twitch. He pressed his lips together, vowing not to run. He could do this. He would do this.

The helicopter came closer and closer, and he copied Jared and Paul, waving his flags and showing the helicopter where to land. He glanced down, and noticed his shoelace was untied. He stooped down to retie it. Over the helicopters loud _SOI SOI SOI, _he heard his friends yells.

He looked up, just in time to see the underside of the helicopter only a foot away from his head.

_Splat._

Jacob Black had learned that the ROFL copter isn't so funny.


	2. Cliff Goes High High

**A/N: This chapter was written by Andrew1993. I helped tweak it a little. But most of the credit belongs to that loser :) **

**Cliff Goes High High **

In which Jacob learns to look before you leap.

Ever since Jacob was a little boy he absolutely LOVED cliff diving. This happened at the young age of seven. Jacob was going through a rather off phase. He would walk around on all fours, meowing when he was hungry, hissing when something bothered him. He chased mice and birds, and demanded visitors pet his long, silky hair, and scratched him behind the ears. After two weeks of Jacob's cat-like behavior, Billy carried Jacob out onto the roof of their tiny, red house, and threw him.

No, Billy was not a cruel, homicidal parent. There happened to be a pool directly under the spot where he threw Jacob from. Thinking Jacob would be terrified, he smiled to himself, and watched his son splash into the pool, before climbing down from the roof and going inside.

But he was wrong. Jacob wasn't scared. He found the fall exhilarating! The wind had resisted, trying to fight the unconquerable gravity, twirling him in spirals as he plummeted toward the water, finishing with a satisfying splash.

Since that day, Jacob could not find a cliff high enough to satisfying his needs.

One beautiful, sunny day, Jacob hopped into his little Volkswagen Rabbit and drove along the twisting, turning, cliff-side road, which lead to the best cliff diving spot in La Push. It took him only a few minutes to reach the very top of the cliff. Once he reached his goal, he took in the view, looking over the vast ocean scene, First Beach, and the gray water. Jacob slowly inhaled the cool, brisk sea air. He smiled as he stood several steps away from the ledge. This was going to be good.

He took the few short steps, then leapt gracefully into the air, twisting and turning, flipping through the air like he'd done so many times before.

As Jacob neared the water, he realized his mistake. It was low tide. His futile attempts to alter his course failed, and he was brutally impaled on a stalagmite.

Jacob Black had learned to look before you leap.


	3. Frisbee Goes Spin Spin

**Frisbee Goes Spin Spin:**

In which Jacob learns that "heads up!" really means "heads down"

Perhaps it was the underlying dog in him, but Jacob always had a love for Frisbees. While grocery shopping with his father when he was nine, he spotted a Frisbee on the shelf of the local supermarket. He begged and pleaded and jumped up and down. He screamed and kicked and threw a tantrum until his father finally agreed to just buy him the damn two dollar toy.

Once they were home, Billy took him to a nearby park to teach him how to throw and catch his brand new Frisbee. He leapt and dove and ran and jumped and played with that plastic disc all afternoon, and returned to the park day after day to play with his Frisbee. He threw it for dogs, he asked strangers to throw it for him. He tried getting his pals, Quil and Embry, to come play with him, but the novelty wore off on them quickly, having had their own Frisbees for years. Jacob didn't mind – he'd find a new friend the next day, be it an elderly man nice enough to throw it or a small child that didn't quite understand the game, but simply gnawed on the Frisbee until Jacob snatched it back. He always had someone to play Frisbee with.

When he reached high school, he was delighted to find out that there was an ultimate Frisbee team. He signed up and then began practicing every day, setting up targets in his backyard to try and hit with the Frisbee and constantly nagging his father to throw it to him, so he could work on his catching techniques.

However, despite all his preparations, Jacob was absolutely unprepared for his first official ultimate Frisbee practice. He stepped onto the field and was immediately almost struck in the head by a Frisbee whizzing by. As he looked around in wonder, three more Frisbee's flew by his head. There were Frisbee's _everywhere_.

_Whatever, _he thought_, I can totally handle this. _

So he found a partner and began throwing the disc back and forth, highly enjoying himself. It was absolutely wonderful until –

"Heads up!" someone called, and Jacob looked around, trying to figure out where the voice was coming from. He heard a _thunk_, and then he was on the ground with agonizing pain in his forehead.

Jacob Black had learned that "heads up!" really means "heads down".


End file.
